Japril Week Stories
by aumontalc
Summary: I'll be posting a story each day for Japril Week. Day 1 - Funny Moment; Day 2 - Favorite Parallels: Day 3 - Song/Quote that Reminds You of Them; Day 4 - Favorite Episode; Day 5 - AU/A Scene you wish had happened; Day 6 - Favorite Scene that You Can Watch Over and Over Again; Day 7 - Free Choice
1. Ow!

Jackson drank his beer as he and April talked at the end of the day. It was getting to be a kind of routine. It was funny how this girl who he originally thought was weird was now one of his closest friends. April did most of the talking but he'd interject every now and then. She was someone he could trust. He didn't open up to many people but somehow with April it was easy to do.

The intern Karev was banging suddenly entered the room interrupting the conversation he was having with April. The intern was hot and he'd been eying her all day. Unfortunately, she wasn't all that bright or she'd have steered clear of Karev. She mentioned that she needed a drink of water so he directed her to the cabinet where the glasses were. As she stood on tippy toe to reach a cup, he craned his neck to get a better look at her…

"Ow!" Jackson said, rubbing his head where April's ninja attack had landed. Who knew someone so tiny could pack such a whollop?

A smile spread across his face as he took another swig of beer and realized the slap was totally deserved. He was almost as bad as Karev.

* * *

Jackson looked left and right to make sure the coast was clear before he snuck up on his wife of two weeks. April stood at the counter finishing up some paperwork. It had been a long, exhausting day and he wanted to go home. He wanted to be with his wife…alone. Their honeymoon phase was still in full swing. After being separated for almost a year, they had a lot of time to make up for. Which they couldn't do while she was here working.

Jackson wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the cheek. "Hello, wife. Ready to go home?"

April gently pushed him away, whispering, "We can't do this here. Someone might see. I'll be done in 15 minutes. You leave now and I'll be home before you know it."

"We could always pop into an on call room."

April returned to her paperwork without responding. They had recently discussed her strict policy on no touching, no kissing, no flirting, no rendezvousing in the on call room at work. He knew "the rules" but he still wanted to bend them. Keeping their relationship secret was fun in a sexy kind of way, but it was more work than what it was worth.

"Fine," he sighed. To tide him over until she got home, he slid his hand down her backside and gently squeezed her oh so tempting behind.

April whirled around and thwacked him on the chest. "What do you think you are doing?" she hissed but not before he caught a naughty glimmer in her eyes.

"Ow," Jackson murmured, massaging his chest. "That's gonna leave a bruise."

"I'm sorry. You can leave some bruises on me tonight," April whispered seductively. "But not if you don't go home. Now."

Jackson licked his lips. "I'm gonna hold you to that promise," he said before heading towards the elevator.

* * *

"How's my future grand baby?" Catherine asked, gently touching April's stomach.

"He's good. Definitely squishing my bladder though."

Catherine nodded in understanding. "I remember those days. You said he. Did you already find out the gender?"

"It has to remain a mystery," Jackson replied, rolling his eyes. "April just thinks it's a boy. We don't know for sure."

April shrugged her shoulders as Jackson pulled out a chair for her. "I like surprises. What can I say?"

They sat down to what turned into a perfectly nice dinner when his mom did what she did best. Overstep her bounds.

"So….I have a present for you," his mother said.

Catherine dug a package out of her purse and handed it to April. April unwrapped it and Jackson almost did a spit take at the title. Sex Positions for the Pregnant Woman.

"You're in your second trimester now. You've got a little belly going on. The belly can make things…complicated. This book will have some ideas on how you can navigate that issue."

"Ummmm…..thank you, Catherine," April said with her midwestern politeness.

"Yeah, we really appreciate this awkward as hell gift," Jackson muttered, twirling spaghetti around his fork.

"Ow!" he yelped as April elbowed him in the side.

"Don't be rude to your mom."

* * *

Jackson lay on his stomach afraid to move a muscle. He was biding his time. He knew April would eventually wake up and deal with the situation. The situation being that their nine-month old son was screaming his little lungs off. With Harriet, the twins, the new baby, and work, he was exhausted. He needed sleep and his youngest was certainly keeping him from it.

Henry, their youngest, was 100% unplanned just like Samuel and Harriet. The twins were the only exception. After he and April had remarried, they decided to have one more child. Much to their surprise one more child was actually two. Harriet was in middle school and the twins were in 3rd grade when April got pregnant for the fourth time.. A pregnancy in their mid-40s had definitely not been a part of the plan, but here he was listening to a baby cry at three in the morning with a surgery scheduled for 8 a.m. So his plan was to stay here, unmoving, and let April take care of it.

After a couple more minutes of their son's crying, April began to slowly awaken. He felt the bed shift as she slipped out of bed.

"Jackson," she whispered, gently shaking him.

He held his breath and didn't move. She'd eventually leave and let him sleep.

"Jackson," she said again, shaking him a little harder this time.

He kept his focus and didn't move.

"Jackson!" she cried loudly, slapping him forcefully on the back.

"Ow!" he cried, rubbing his back.

"Get up and help me take care of your son," April ordered.

"Why do I have to get up?"

He couldn't see April in the dark, but he knew he'd said the wrong thing. He flinched wondering if another thwack was headed his way. He knew better than to poke the bear.

"I'm so tired," he complained, slowly rolling out of bed.

"If only I'd been too tired at that conference in New York to fall for that cheesy hotel line again, we wouldn't be in this situation."

Jackson smirked. "It was a good line. It got me laid. Twice."

They'd reached Henry's room. Jackson scooped him up and looked at his diaper. Yep, there was the problem.

"We might have added 18 years to our sentence, but he's not so bad a kid," Jackson said, cuddling his son after April had finished changing him. "I don't know when we'll get to sleep through the night again but he's worth it don't you think?"

"Definitely," April said kissing him before pecking Henry on the forehead. "Well, he seems pretty content with you. I'll let you rock him back to sleep. Night."

"April!" Jackson called but she was already out the door.


	2. No Question

**_Favorite Parallel - Proposals_**

April hugged Jackson tightly to herself. She'd just accepted his proposal? She wasn't sure if she could call it that. He hadn't gotten down on one knee. It wasn't something planned out. It was just a knee jerk reaction to finding out she may be pregnant.

They broke apart and Jackson kissed her once more before he left. April needed a few moments to herself before she could be in the right frame of mind to return to work.

She found herself pacing back and forth as she thought about what they had just decided. She was running on a high. How could she not be excited? She loved Jackson. She might not have told him yet, but she did. The realization had come to her slowly over the last few weeks. She was in love with him. Of course she wanted to marry him and start a family.

But there was a part of her, a small, itsty bitsy part of her that wondered if she was doing the right thing. Deep down in her heart she knew that she wanted to be Jackson's wife, but something felt off here. It wasn't the right circumstances. Jackson hadn't asked her out of all-consuming love. He'd asked her because he was a good man and good men do the right thing no matter what.

He said he was OK with this, but was he really? April sighed. She wished she wasn't pregnant. She didn't want to force this life on him. It wasn't fair. Just because she loved him didn't mean he loved her too.

She'd always dreamed of this magical proposal where the man she loved put in all this effort into asking for her hand in marriage. She wanted him to ask her parents for permission. She knew that was old-fashioned, but who cares? It's what she wanted. She wanted fireworks. She wanted words of love. She wanted him to drop down on one knee. She wanted a diamond ring. She wanted the whole thing.

April had all these plans in her head of how she wanted things to be. Being pregnant and having a shotgun wedding weren't in that binder full of wedding ideas stashed in her childhood bedroom.

This wasn't how she'd planned things.

* * *

April was freaking out. She couldn't believe what she'd just done. She was literally a runaway bride. A runaway bride that had run off with another man. This wasn't good. This wasn't good at all.

She got out of the car and started walking down the road. She couldn't do this. It wasn't right.

"April, get back in the car," Jackson yelled. "You can't just walk back."

"Why?" she shouted.

"Bears?"

Jackson's unexpected remark made April turn around and stare at him dumbfoundingly.

"Matthew doesn't deserve this. And-and Stephanie? What are we supposed to say to them? My-my parents? Your mother?"

Jackson looked like he was going to have a panic attack of his own. "Oh no. My mother."

"How do we explain that we just destroyed two perfectly lovely people so that we could…what, date?"

This was so terrible. They were terrible, awful people. How could she have done something like this? And to Matthew? She'd really thought she'd loved him, but it was nothing compared to what she felt for Jackson. That's why she was here, standing in the middle of a deserted road, having a major panic attack. Her love for Jackson trumped her common sense.

"Okay, the best solution is to never speak to any of them ever again."

"Or….?"

"Or we get married, I…"

April rolled her eyes. Here he goes again with his impromptu proposals. Like proposing marriage was going to solve all their problems. "Because that's easier to explain."

"No. No. 'Cause you're right. All right? I don't want to just date. April, I want the whole damn thing. I…We can get to Lake Tahoe in 13 hours."

"How do you know that?" April couldn't help herself from asking.

"Do you want to get into that right now?" Jackson asked exasperatedly.

"No."

"No, you don't want to get into that or, no, you don't want to get married?"

April stared at him, her heart beating erratically. She knew this was crazy. She knew it. Yet deep down it just felt….right. She'd had this big grandiose proposal from Matt. It had been exhilarating in the moment, but somehow hollow because she'd always known to some extent that he just wasn't the one. But this proposal. This spur of the moment, drop of the hat proposal from Jackson…

April decided for once and for all to throw caution to the wind. To refuse to listen to that voice in her head that worried, that required planning and order. Because really where had that gotten her? The best moments of her life happened when she gave up her tight reins of control. So no, this wasn't the perfect proposal she'd envisioned since childhood, but life didn't always follow a series of carefully ordered steps. Sometimes the twists and turns and unexpected cliffs take you to where happiness truly lies.

With her mind fully made up, April answered with a wholehearted and doubt-free YES.


	3. No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard

**Fic Inspired by "The Scientist" - Coldplay**

This is an older story of mine that I've revamped a bit.

* * *

 _Come up to meet you_

 _Tell you I'm sorry_

 _You don't know how lovely you are_

 _I had to find you_

 _Tell you I need you_

 _Tell you I set you apart_

"Unless you can give me a reason not to," April murmured, her wide, hopeful doe eyes boring into Jackson's.

Sighing, Jackson leaned his head back against the pillow. His heart ached with love for this woman, but his mind cautioned him to take care and make sure she didn't hurt him again. He'd been down this road before and had escaped from their car wreck of a relationship alive, but badly bruised. Car wreck? Jackson scoffed. That was the same metaphor April had used months before to describe him.

"Jackson?" April asked, her voice a breathless tremble.

Opening his eyes, Jackson realized he'd have to reply in some way. The thing was he didn't know what to say, what to do. His gut urged him to grab hold of her and never let her go. Yet his mind, the pragmatic side of him, warned him to proceed with caution. A natural cynic, he could not accept that happiness could be as easy as him saying the words, "Because I don't want you to."

"April," Jackson said, stalling in an attempt to figure out what he wanted to say. He loved her, but would it be enough? Before sleeping with her, April had been his person, the one with whom he confided. Before her, it had been Percy. Damn, he could use him now. Percy'd help sort out this mess with April. Probably give him hell about it, but help him nonetheless. But now it was just him, by himself, trying to decide if he had enough balls to take this big a risk.

"April, I..." Jackson began. The scrape of the curtain startling him, he was surprised to find Stephanie rushing towards him.

"Oh my gosh, are you OK?" Stephanie asked as her hands softly caressed the part of his chest that April had hit just an hour before. Her eyes scanned his bandaged arm. "Are you still in a lot of pain?"

* * *

April quietly slipped out of the room. Jackson's lack of a response pretty much answered her question. He didn't feel the same way she felt about him. She should have expected that. After all she had put him through, it was reasonable that he wouldn't want a repeat of that experience.

Wiping away the tears that had trickled down her cheek, she headed towards the ER confident that a good trauma would heal all that ailed her. She walked by the nurses' station and caught a glimpse of her fiancé, Matt. He motioned her over to him. Oh, crap, she thought, he wants to talk about my freak out over Jackson.

"Hey," Matt said.

"Hey," she replied, settling her gaze on his nose instead of making direct eye contact.

"OK. So you know I love you because I say it like a dozen times a day, but I was standing here thinking, thinking about us, when I realized I don't ever remember you telling me you love me. Do you? Love me, that is?"

April bit the inside of her cheek and stared down at the floor. She was a Christian. She had good values. She was a soldier. She could do this. "No," she said softly. "I thought I would after a while, but I don't. I'm so sorry Matthew. You're the man I want to want. You're the kind of man I dreamed of marrying when I was growing up. You're perfect..."

"But you're in love with that Jackson guy?" At April's affirmative nod, he smiled humorlessly. "I might be a little dense at times, but you made your feelings for him crystal clear today."

More tears spilled past April's lashes as her hands shakily unpinned her engagement ring from her scrub top. Handing it back to Matthew, she said, "I'm sorry. I truly thought we could work, have a happy life together. I hope you find a really great girl some day. You deserve some one who is going to love you just as much as you love her."

Matthew swallowed and shook his head, his eyes slightly watery. "Yeah, thanks. See you around."

And with that, he walked off. Leaving April completely alone, again.

* * *

Owen had banned April from the ER arguing that she'd had an emotional day and needed to take some time off. Not wanting to leave and go home to an empty apartment, she made her way to the maternity ward.

"Hi Meredith, how are you feeling?" she asked, setting down the bouquet of flowers she had bought for the new mom on the windowsill.

"Exhausted, but happy," Meredith smiled. "Do you want to hold Bailey?"

April grinned. "Of course."

Gently taking the newborn into her arms, she swayed gently to and fro. Her thumb grazing his soft cheek.

The thought didn't escape her that had things gone differently she could have been holding her own baby right now. Hers and Jackson's. Sometimes she wished she had actually been pregnant. That the pregnancy results had been positive that day instead of negative. Then, she and Jackson would never have broken up or dated other people. They'd be together and happy.

Yet, a niggling doubt worried her mind. Would they really be happy? Jackson had never said anything about loving her. He was a good man and always one to own up to his responsibilities. But he'd grown up without a father. It was understandable that he didn't want any child of his to grow up the way that he had. No, it was for the best that she hadn't been pregnant. She would have forever doubted whether he'd married out of love or out of duty.

"He's so precious," April said. "Makes me want one of my own."

"You've got Matt now. Why not get started?"

April laid Bailey back down in his crib. "Actually, I broke it off with Matthew."

Meredith chuckled. "Really? Already? Can't say that I'm surprised. No matter how hard you try you can't get the man you love out of your head. Doesn't matter if he's your attending and has a skanky first wife or your best friend who's dating a dumb ass intern. You can't deny it. Can't escape it. I wish we could choose who we love, but we can't."

"I tried, but it didn't work out so well for me."

"Have you told Jackson how you feel yet?"

April plopped down into a seat next to Meredith's hospital bed. "I spilled out my guts to him. Told him that I wanted him and that I wouldn't marry Matthew if he could give me a reason."

"What'd he say?"

"Not a thing. Then Stephanie showed up."

A knowing smile crossed Meredith's face. "I wouldn't be so worried about Stephanie. I overheard some of the nurses gossiping about how she was mad at Jackson for forgetting about their date."

"It's probably just because he's been so busy at work," April remarked, defending him.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Alex told me that he interrupted a moment between you and Jackson a couple weeks ago. He said it looked like you were about to kiss."

April's blush almost matched the roots of her hair. A squeak of surprise was emitted from her lips. "I didn't realize Alex was such a gossip."

"It's a hospital. Word gets around quickly," Meredith replied matter-of-factly. "The consensus is that you and Jackson need to get back together already. It's glaringly obvious to everyone that you love him and he loves you."

"Really?"

"Really."

* * *

"Did you know that Jo and Alex got together? I always suspected that he had a thing for her. It just seems so soon after her break up with Peckwell, I mean Jason."

"Yeah, that's interesting," Jackson said as convincingly as he could while he played with the ringlets of her hair. He tried in vain to push back the memories of April's silky soft hair in his hands, against his face, his chest, his thighs.

"It's getting late. You should go on home," he suggested.

"I don't have to. I can stay here with you tonight," she said, cuddling closer. "When I heard about what happened to you, I was so scared. They said that there were a few seconds when they didn't think you had made it out alive. I don't know what I would do without you."

Stephanie propped herself up on her elbow. "I need to tell you something."

"OK..."

"I know when we first hooked up we were just having fun. I'm an intern. I don't really have time for anything serious. But today, I realized something. I want a real relationship with you. I've been thinking of a future with you. Moving in together, getting a dog, meeting each other's families, the works. I think I'm in love with you. I should have seen it coming. I think about you all the time. I want to be with you all the time. Of course, I love you… How do you feel?"

"Umm..."

* * *

 _Tell me your secrets_

 _And ask me your questions_

 _Oh, let's go back to the start_

 _Running in circles, coming up tails_

 _Heads on a science apart_

"Dr. Webber, how are you feeling today?" asked Dr. Kepner as she reviewed his chart on her tablet.

The older doctor, still weak from his accident, hoarsely replied, "Better now that Catherine's here."

"It's good to see you April baby," Jackson's mother smiled. "While you check Richard's vitals I think I'll go find my son. You don't happen to know where he is, do you?"

"Nope. I do not," April said in as normal of a voice as she could manage.

Truth be told, other than quietly stalking and checking up on him during his first couple of days of recovery, she had not laid eyes on him. They had not spoken since after the bus explosion a week ago.

Her life was back to its normal humdrum pace. In between studying for the Boards and working full time, she didn't have much time to wallow in her own pity. She decided she was going to take a break from men. Losing her virginity, facing a pregnancy scare, and getting engaged (if only for a day) was quite enough for one year. She could try again later. Maybe next year. She just didn't have the energy to go through all of that right now.

As she left Dr. Webber's room, she heard Jackson call her name. She increased her speed, hoping to avoid Jackson. Instead it caused Jackson to call out, "April. Hey, April wait up."

Pretending that she hadn't heard him obviously wasn't going to work. April stopped and waited for him to walk up to her.

"Do you have a few minutes?" he asked. "I want to talk to you about something."

"Actually, your mom's looking for you. You should probably go see what she wants..." she said, hoping he would take the hint and take a hike.

"I'll go find her in a minute. What I was trying to say was…"

April interrupted. "Listen, Jackson. I was trying to find a polite reason not to speak to you. I really have no desire to discuss anything with you."

"Too bad," Jackson said as he grabbed April's hand and led her to a supply closet.

Once inside, he rubbed his hand over his head. April recognized this as a sign of his internal struggle. She wanted nothing more than to comfort him and relieve that wrinkle of worry that so often settled between his brows, especially now that he was in charge of running the hospital.

"I feel like we need to finish the conversation we started last week."

Putting her hands up, April replied, "Look, there's no need. I got your message loud and clear."

"I don't think you did. I don't want our friendship to be ruined."

"Well, having sex already kind of did that," April admitted. "So what'd you want to tell me?"

"You and I work best as friends. You and Matt. You have so many things in common. It's like you're perfect for each other. That's not just a coincidence. I think you should stay with him. I'm not going to give you a reason because you belong with him."

A hollow laugh escaped from April. "I guess you haven't heard," she said, waving her left hand in front of him. "Matthew and I are no longer together."

Jackson swallowed. "I, uh, I didn't...I didn't know," he said. "When did it happen?"

"Right after I made a fool of myself in your room."

"You didn't make a fool of yourself," Jackson claimed.

"Yeah, I did. I made things awkward between us and now there's no going back. Is that all you wanted to say to me? Because I would like to leave."

"Yeah, that was it. You can go if you want."

April turned, making her way back over to the door. Yet, something inside of her prodded her to turn around. She knew she should drop it, but for some reason she just couldn't let it go. Her hand on the door knob, she stared blankly ahead as she asked, "Why the intern? Why not me?"

"April..." Jackson groaned.

By now April's anger had ignited. She wanted to know, no, she had a right to know why he hadn't chosen her. Spinning around, April walked quickly back over to Jackson. "Tell me. Why didn't you pick me? I think I at least deserve to hear your explanation."

"Let's not rehash this..."

"Rehash what? We've never talked about this before. You told me the pregnancy scare was a sign that we needed to stop sleeping together and that was the only explanation I ever got. So why? Be a man, Jackson. Tell me. Tell me why we can't be together."

"Because it's so hard to be with you! We don't make any sense together. We based our whole relationship about how if something feels right it can't be wrong. Guess what? It can still be wrong. Yes, there were some aspects of our relationship that felt very, very right, but there were even more that didn't. You can't have a relationship based just on feelings. There are other things that go with it that we just didn't have."

"Like what?" April asked defensively.

"Like communication. In particular, you don't know when to drop something. You keep beating at a topic until it's dead and six feet under."

"You're one to talk about communication." April shook both her fists in the air. "Gosh! You were so frustrating. I never knew how you felt. You never fully shared. You only hinted at stuff. Like how you had feelings for me. That was so vague. What does that even mean?"

"It means I love you! Was that not clear?"

April stared in shock as Jackson moved to the other side of the closet, kicking a trash bin on his way over there.

"No, no, it was not."

"April, sometimes you really frustrate the crap out of me. We keep going round in the same damn circles. It's not good for either of us. We're not good for each other. Matt was better for you. Stephanie's better for me."

"You just said.."

"Yeah, I know what I just said and I meant it. But there comes a point when you realize not all relationships are going to work out. Sometimes we have to listen to our minds instead of our hearts."

Throwing her pride to the wind, she asked, "Couldn't we at least try?"

"We've already done that. It didn't take. We could make it work for a little while, but our old issues would just start to creep back. What makes us work as friends hinders us as a couple."

"What if we tried harder than last time to make it work?"

"Should we have to? We shouldn't have to work hard at being in love, being happy."

"You're right. We shouldn't. Thanks for answering my question," she choked, barely able to get the words out.

"April," Jackson said as he crossed the distance between them. When he wrapped his arms around her, she knew she should scold him or push him away but April could only manage to rest her head against his chest. "I love you, but we can't..."

"I know. I love you too," April murmured against his chest.

They stood there, not moving, as the minutes passed. Each was loathe to let the other go. Upon hearing the door open, they finally moved apart.

"I'm just going to get another pillow for Dr. Webber...Jackson, April, what are you guys doing here?" Catherine Avery asked the slightly flustered couple.

"Just getting some supplies," April lied as she grabbed a nearby package of gauze and headed out the door.

* * *

"It was nice to meet you dear," Catherine Avery smiled at the young intern.

"It was nice meeting you too Dr. Avery." Stephanie turned to Jackson, kissed him, and said, "I'll see you later tonight?"

"Actually, I think I'm going to stay late and finish up some paper work, but I'll see you tomorrow."

Catherine pretended to be reading her text messages as her son kept his office door propped open, likely in the hopes that she would soon leave as well. After what she had witnessed earlier today that wasn't going to happen.

"You might as well close the door. I'd like you to answer a few questions. I don't intend to leave until you do."

Somewhat disgruntled, Jackson closed the door. "What is it? Go ahead and get it off your chest. Let me guess. You're not a big fan of Stephanie?"

"Oh, she's perfectly fine. Her fawning over you makes it clear where your newly acquired big head came from, but I like her."

"I don't have a big head..." Jackson protested.

His mother scoffed, waving her hand. "Oh, please. I'm surprised you can walk through the door with that overinflated ego resting on your shoulders. But honey, that's not what I want to talk to you about. I always thought you and April were just friends, but from what I saw in the supply closet I'm starting to think there's something you haven't told me. Is there something going on between you two?"

In the thirty-one years that Jackson Avery had been alive on this earth, Catherine Avery had gotten to know his mannerisms very well. His refusal to look her in the eye, his slumped shoulders and his sudden interest in the floor told her all she needed to know.

"There was, but not anymore."

"Oh, baby." She rose to go comfort her son. He was a strong man, a confident man, but sometimes he was still her little boy who got hurt and scared. "Tell me what happened."

"We dated for a while. I started to have feelings for her, but she didn't act like she felt the same way so I ended it with her."

"That girl in the supply closet definitely has feelings for you. What's more, I still think you have feelings for her."

"Mom, there's no point in talking about this. What's done is done. I'm with Stephanie now."

"Do you love her?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"What is this the Spanish Inquisition?" Jackson joked, attempting to avoid his mother's question.

Frustrated, Catherine shot her best mom glare in his direction. "Do...you...love...her?" she asked slowly.

"I can try," he answered finally. "I like her and she's easy to be with. There's no complications, no drama with her."

Understanding dawned on his mother. "Being with April isn't easy, is it?"

"No, it isn't."

Sometimes getting her son to open up was like pulling teeth. Well, she'd keep prodding until he told her all she needed to know. She was nothing if not persistent.

"What do you like about April? What made you fall for her?" she asked.

Her son was silent for a spell. She almost thought he wasn't going to answer. After a few minutes had ticked by, he said, "She's my friend. I can talk to her about anything. I want to tell her everything. She's the first person I want to tell when something happens to me. She's kind, even to those who've proved they don't deserve it. She's hopelessly optimistic and faces every situation head on. She's brave and completely unafraid to stand up for what she believes in. She's funny and a total nerd. She's gorgeous, great in..." his voice trailed off as if he suddenly remembered who his audience was.

Catherine, unfazed by the topic, smiled and completed the sentence, "Bed? That's wonderful sweetheart. Sexual compatibility is a must in relationships. So I take it you were her first?"

Jackson made a face similar to the one he'd made whenever he'd been forced to eat broccoli as a young child. Shaking his head, he replied, "That's not...that's not relevant. We don't need to go there...ever."

"Well, I'm glad she got some. That girl needed to unwind."

"Can we not talk about this subject anymore?"

Realizing how uncomfortable her son was, Catherine dropped that topic, but quickly brought up another. "You've told me what you like about her. What is it about her that drives you crazy?"

His reply came quickly this time. "Her inability to let things go and move on. Or when she blames me for things that aren't my fault. Or when she doesn't think before she speaks," he answered, getting more and more agitated with each reason he gave.

"All women struggle with that."

"Well, she has a Ph.D. in giving a guilt trip."

"Now, let me ask, what do you like about Stephanie?"

"Um...she's smart. She is...she's fun. Lots of fun. I like her hair?"

Catherine pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. Jackson was certainly in no danger of losing his heart to Stephanie.

"So what drives you up the wall about her?"

Jackson stayed silent for a moment. She could tell he was thinking hard about the question. Finally, he replied, "I don't know. She's never really done anything to irritate me. I guess that means we're a good match."

Catherine shook her head. "No, it means you couldn't care less about her."

Her son looked taken aback at what she'd said. Pressing on, she asked, "Why are you with Stephanie when you are clearly still in love with April? That poor intern is completely besotted with you. You shouldn't lead her on like you are. Break up with her and get back with April."

"Mom, it's not that simple..."

"And why not? Why don't you want to be with the woman you love?"

"Because I don't want to get hurt again. I'm tired of things being so complicated and taking so much work. It's so hard just to be with her. With Stephanie, it's never hard. It doesn't take any work at all. I don't have to worry about whether I feel more for her than she does for me."

"Jackson, is that what you really want? A half life with someone you sort of have feelings for?"

She put her arms around him and squeezed him tightly. "Baby, I know you're scared. I know you're worried that you'll get hurt. But, you have to stop taking the easy way out of things. Truth is everyone's going to hurt you; you just got to find the ones worth suffering for. Is April worth suffering for?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I think she is," Jackson admitted.

"So what are you going to do about it?"

* * *

 _Nobody said it was easy_

 _It's such a shame for us to part_

 _Nobody said it was easy_

 _No one ever said it would be this hard_

 _Oh, take me back to the start_

"Come on April! Crush 'em," Jackson shouted. "You just need to knock over eight pins and we'll win."

"Whatever man. Your girl hasn't knocked over more than five pins the whole time we've been bowling," Alex said.

"Like yours is any better," Jackson shot back.

"Yeah, if my old lady makes us lose, she gets to pay the tab."

"Your old lady?" Jo replied, elbowing him in the ribs. "I think you're the oldest one here."

Ignoring the playful bickering amongst the friends. April concentrated on the pins ahead. Swinging her arm back, she let the bowling ball fly down the lane. Hearing the crash, she looked and saw not one pin left standing. Jumping up and down, she exclaimed, "I did it, Jackson! I did it! We won!"

"I knew you could do it baby," her boyfriend said before scooping her up in his arms and kissing her.

April was having a blast on their first double date as a couple. During the three weeks that she had officially been dating Jackson, April had never been happier.

* * *

 _3 Weeks Prior_

Hearing a ding, April put down the book she was reading and reached for the phone on her night stand. Glancing at it, she read:

I'll be over at your place in about five. We need to talk.

April quickly got out of bed and ran into the bathroom to freshen up. The doorbell rang seconds after she had finished brushing her teeth and washing her face. "Dang it," she cursed softly because she didn't have enough time to fix her hair. Grabbing a hair tie, she scrambled to put her hair in a ponytail as she headed towards the door.

"Hey," Jackson murmured when she opened the door.

"Hey," she parroted. "Come in."

As he stepped inside, April became unbearably aware of his physical presence. Although he was shorter than Matthew, he still made her feel petite when she stood next to him especially when she was bare foot.

"You said you wanted to talk so..."

Jackson took a seat on her couch. Rubbing his hands nervously on his knees, he glanced up at her and said, "I changed my mind."

"What?"

"I changed my mind. I want to be with you. I want us to try. Don't look so shocked. You know I love you."

Grabbing her tiny waist, Jackson pulled her next to him on the couch. He pressed his head against her forehead and rubbed her nose softly with his own. "Jackson," she moaned when he pressed his lips against the corner of her mouth.

"I'm sorry I was such a fool for so long. Will you forgive me? I don't want to wait another minute longer to be with you."

April's heart and mind could barely hold in the joy she was feeling. Taking a few, slow and deep breaths, she allowed reason to return. As excited as she was, she must not forget as of this morning he was still with Stephanie. "What about the intern?" she managed to ask.

"I broke things off with her this evening. There are no more obstacles between us. It's just me and you now."

"Me and you." April broke into a grin. "Is this really happening?"

Jackson smiled back at her, chuckling. "Yeah, yeah it is. It's actually all thanks to my mom."

"Wh..what? Your mom knows about us?" asked April nervously.

"She does, but don't worry she likes you."

"All I'm really worried about is if you like me," April confessed.

"I like you. I like you a lot," he murmured before his lips zeroed in on hers.

* * *

"Jackson!" April cried, playfully slapping Jackson's hand away from her shirt. "Be good," she admonished. "I really do want to watch this movie."

Jackson moved back over to his seat and began to munch on the bowl of popcorn in his lap. If he had his way, he wouldn't be watching a boring romantic comedy, yet it was still nice to hang out with April outside the hospital.

When April reached over to grab a handful of popcorn, he held the bowl out of her reach. "Un-unh," he shook his head. "What are you going to give me for some popcorn?"

April rolled her eyes. "What do you want?"

"A kiss," he said, leaning in and tasting her lips before she had a chance to actually respond.

Too short of a time later, she pushed him away and held out her hand. "Where's my popcorn?"

He chuckled somewhat ominously a few minutes later when she reached for the Reese's Pieces, for he was also in charge of those. "Tsk, tsk. You gotta pay the price, " he teased.

She'd gotten smarter because while they kissed she grabbed the bag out of his hand. Breaking the kiss, she said, "I'll hold onto these thank you very much."

Thirty minutes later and already bored with the movie, Jackson pressed his lips against April's neck in the hopes of getting a little frisky in the near deserted movie theater. She let him nibble on her neck for bit before she turned exasperatedly towards him and asked, "What has gotten into you tonight? Remember we're here to see a movie, not fool around."

Slinking down in his chair, Jackson leaned his head back and closed his eyes. If he wasn't going to get a little action, he might as well get a little shut eye.

* * *

 _Back to 3 Weeks Prior_

Jackson was teeming with gladness. He knew that his decision to break up with Stephanie and get back with April was the right one. He smiled against April's lips. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," she echoed.

As his lips returned to hers once more, Jackson's hand made its way to the top button on her pajama top. He unbuttoned the first and the second buttons, placing a kiss on each new patch of freshly exposed skin.

"Jackson." His fingers stilled above the third button. Crap, he thought. She was probably thinking it was too soon after his break up with Stephanie to have sex. And she would be right. It was kind of skeevy to jump from one girl to another within such a short space of time. He groaned inwardly at the thought of the countless weeks it would be before she would let him make love to her.

Removing his hand from her top, he said, "It's too soon, isn't it?"

April's head nodded slightly. As she rebuttoned her shirt, she bit her lip. Jackson knew that April bit her lip for one of only two reasons, when she was turned on or when she was worried.

"Spill it," he said.

"I think we shouldn't have sex."

"I know. I was a little too pushy. I just miss sleeping with you. A lot."

April grimaced. "I miss it too, but what I meant was that I don't think we should have sex at all while we're dating."

Jackson let out an awkward bark of a laugh. "You're not serious right?" He prayed she wasn't because he really didn't think he possessed that much willpower. "I mean how many times can you revirginize? You've already done that at least a hundred times."

April blushed delightfully to the roots of her hair. "I'm not calling it that this time. Let's call it abstinence. I feel like our relationship will be stronger if we abstain from having sex."

"Is this some kind of punishment for sleeping with Stephanie? You and Matt were engaged so I assume you must have slept with him at some point. I don't know how my sleeping with Stephanie was any different."

"I didn't sleep with Matthew. Even if I had, it would not be relevant to this. I'm not trying to punish you or anything like that. As much as I really, really, _really_ like sleeping with you, I can't help the guilt I feel afterwards. That was one of our problems. One of my problems," April corrected. "You were right when you said that just because it feels good, doesn't mean it's right. If it truly was right I wouldn't feel guilty afterwards. For me, it's not going to be right until I get married. I know your feelings on this matter are different than mine, but that's how I feel. It's important for me to stick with my beliefs. But I can't do this by myself. I need your help to not let us get that far again. It seems I have little control when it comes to you and sex and I want us to last this time. Do you think you can help me?"

Jackson closed his eyes. What she said made sense, but that didn't mean he had to like it. The thought of not being able to have sex with her disappointed him greatly.

But he loved her and he would do whatever it took to make it last this time. "I guess," he sighed. Noticing the uncertainty in April's eyes, he clarified, "We won't have sex this time around. Our relationship is more than that. We can do this." I can do this, he told himself.

* * *

"Congratulations. on passing your Boards," Jackson said, clinking his wine glass against April's.

April took a sip of her wine, relishing just how utterly perfect her life was at this moment. She was now a Board certified surgeon, she was dating the most amazing man, and she'd never felt more confident and happy. Tonight was not only a celebration of passing her exam, but of finally getting her life together.

Although she was happy to be anywhere with Jackson, it was especially fun to dress up and eat out at a nice restaurant. Jackson looked particularly dashing in his suit and tie. He wore the purple tie that she loved so much.

"So now that you're a Board certified surgeon, what are you going to do? I heard you talking to Case Reserve on the phone the other day. Are you thinking of taking their offer?" asked Jackson as he cut his prime rib.

"Mmm. That looks good. Can I have a bite?" she asked, intentionally avoiding his question.

"Sure," he said, feeding her a bite of his steak. "About Case Reserve..."

Gulping down a larger than normal sip of wine, April finally replied, "It's a really good offer. Even better than last year's."

Jackson swallowed. "You're really considering their offer then?"

"I am," April fibbed. "Do you think I shouldn't?" She and Jackson had been dating for two months and the subject of marriage still hadn't been brought up yet. April hoped the prospect of her leaving would get him to broach the topic of their future.

"Hmm, that's up to you," replied Jackson, chewing thoughtfully on his steak as he looked at a menu. "What do you want for dessert?"

Sighing inwardly at Jackson's inability to take a hint, she smiled as sincerely as she could under the circumstances and replied, "The tiramisu over there looks delicious."

* * *

"Hey man, do you need a ride home?" Karev asked.

"No. I'm going to stay for a little while longer," Jackson replied. "I'll have Joe call me a cab later, but thanks."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry about you and Kepner. I really thought you two would make it this time."

"Me too," answered Jackson, taking another sip of whiskey. "Me too."

* * *

 _I was just guessing at numbers and figures_

 _Pulling the puzzles apart_

 _Questions of science, science and progress_

 _Don't speak as loud as my heart_

"Weekend trip? Fancy. Where are you going?" asked Meredith.

"San Francisco," replied April, taking a bite of her sandwich.

"Isn't that where you and Jackson first danced the horizontal mambo?" At April's eye roll, Cristina continued, "Going back to the place where it all began. How much do you want to bet she's coming back with a diamond?

Still chewing, April didn't respond immediately. She was kind of shocked how Cristina was able to read her mind. When Jackson brought up the idea of a weekend trip to San Francisco, her mind immediately went to the possibility of a proposal. She just hoped he wouldn't take her to the men's restroom to pop the question.

"We've never taken a trip anywhere as a couple," replied April. "We've been together for five, almost six months. It will be nice just to get away from all the stress at the hospital."

"I'll take you up on your bet, Cristina," interjected Meredith. "Going back to San Francisco is too obvious. The whole plans reeks of cheesy, romantic proposal. I'm just surprised Jackson hasn't asked you earlier. You're the kind of girl who needs the wedding, the three kids, the two story house with the white picket fence. You know, the works."

April could only smile. Her heart fluttering with certain expectations for this weekend. She couldn't wait to become Mrs. Jackson Avery.

* * *

It was their last evening in San Francisco. April's level of anticipation was amped to the highest. Tonight was the night; she just knew it. She had gone shopping by herself earlier to pick up a few necessary items like the lingerie she was certain she would be needing tonight. Once they were officially engaged, she would not feel as guilty about sleeping with him. She had only needed the reassurance that they were headed for the long-term this time around. Besides she felt sorry for Jackson, the last few months had been hard on him. She giggled to herself at her naughty double entendre. He'd been a good boy so he deserved a treat. The newly purchased undergarments should do the trick.

The waiter brought her dessert, a rich parfait of chocolate mousse and berries. April ate it with care, using her spoon to look for any flashes of gold or sparkles of diamond.

Jackson laughed, "What are you doing? Is there hair in your food?"

April shook her head and put a mental X next to the engagement ring in dessert idea.

Ten minutes later, Jackson cleared his throat and said nervously, "April, I need to ask you something..."

April's heart rate sped up considerably. This is it, she thought. He's going to ask me to be his wife.

"Do you..." he coughed slightly, effectively causing April's heart to skip a beat. "Do you think I should grow a beard? I've been thinking about it for awhile, but you're the one who has to look at me. What do you think?"

April snorted and took a large sip of wine. This wasn't going how she'd planned.

* * *

Jackson walked April back to her hotel room. He followed her in as she dropped her purse on the chair next to the door. The evening had been disappointing to say the least.

"What's wrong, babe?" Jackson asked. "You've been a little off all evening."

April quickly swiped at the tear that rolled down her cheek. "It's nothing. I just thought…" she shook her head, unable to finish her thought.

"You thought what?" Jackson asked.

"Never mind. It's not important," April said dismissively, hoping he would drop the topic.

"No, I want to know. What'd you think was going to happen this weekend?"

"Jackson," April sighed. "Don't worry about it. Look, I think you should just head back to your room."

As she walked over to the door to open the door for him, Jackson caught her arm. "No. Answer my question."

"It's embarrassing. OK? I'd rather not tell you."

"I've obviously done something to piss you off and I'd like to know what it is. When we got back together, we promised to work on our communication."

"Fine," April said. "I thought you were going to propose this weekend. There. You happy?" she said as she turned away from him.

Spinning her around, he looked deep into her eyes, searching for answers.

"What made you think I was going to do that?" he inquired.

"I don't know. The fact that we were taking a romantic getaway to the place where we first made love seemed like the perfect opportunity for you to ask."

"I'm sorry you thought that April. I didn't mean to give that impression," Jackson said softly.

"Me too. I think you should go back to your room. I just...I just need to be alone right now."

"I meant for this weekend to be relaxing and fun. I'm sorry that it was such a disappointment for you."

As he turned to leave, April asked, "Have you ever thought about proposing to me? Have you thought about our future?"

Jackson shrugged, "Not really. We just got back together."

April's wince made him realize how insensitive that sounded. "Look, April..." he said as he walked towards her.

"You haven't," she gulped. "You haven't thought about marrying me?"

Not since the pregnancy scare, he hadn't. "You know work is just so crazy. I really have two jobs instead of one. I don't really get a lot of time to myself for self-reflection."

"Don't do that, Jackson. Don't use work as an excuse. I can't...I can't do this right now. Just go. I just need to be alone for a little while."

* * *

The next morning April quietly seethed as they waited to board the plane. She'd spent the whole night crying her eyes out about what could have been. While the thought had never popped up in his pretty little head, she had thought of little else but their future. She couldn't wait to be his wife and the mother of his children. She wasn't getting any younger. If they were going to have more than one child, they would need to start in the next year or two. April wanted to start their life together now. Apparently, Jackson wasn't even sure he wanted a future with her.

What was the whole point of them even dating if marriage wasn't a part of the plan? And why was he being so quiet? Wasn't he even going to apologize to her?

Feeling her anger boil to the surface, April spat, "Are you not even going to say you're sorry?"

"Why would I say I'm sorry?" Jackson drolly replied, his eyes glued to his phone. "I had a lot of time to think last night and you know what I realized? I didn't do anything wrong."

April speechless, merely huffed and crossed her arms. She sighed loudly, but he didn't look at her. She sighed for a second time. Still no response. She had all of these questions, all of these thoughts that she wanted to get off her chest and he was completely ignoring her.

Frustrated, April knocked the phone that he couldn't keep his eyes off out of his hand. "Jackson, stop looking at that stupid phone and pay attention to me! You hurt my feelings and you don't even seem to care."

"April, I think we need to wait until you've calmed down before we can have any type of rational discussion," Jackson replied as he picked his phone up off the floor.

Taking Jackson's phone, she threw it as far as she could. "How's that for rational?" she spat.

A moment later, a security guard walked towards them with Jackson's phone in hand. "I believe this is yours. Is this woman bothering you?" he asked in a stern tone.

"No, sir. She's my girlfriend. We're only having a bit of a disagreement. I think it's over now," replied Jackson.

"I'm sorry, officer," April replied, ashamed and miserable over the whole situation.

* * *

After the flight, Jackson drove April to her apartment. Putting the car in park, he jumped out to grab her luggage.

As they walked up the stairs, Jackson said, "Why don't you get some rest and then give me a call when you wake up? We can talk then."

Stepping inside her apartment, April looked back at him. "I don't need to rest. I've been thinking about what I want to say for hours."

"Good. We can talk it out tonight," Jackson said as he turned to leave.

"I think we should break up," she said softly.

Jackson closed his eyes willing the last 24 hours to be part of some bad fever dream. He reopened them when he heard her say, "We tried, but it didn't work. I want marriage and a family and that's not something you want. It's better that we stop wasting each other's time."

"April, I never said that..."

"It doesn't matter. You admitted that you haven't even thought about marrying me. You're not ready to get married. There's little I can do to change your mind."

"We both need some rest. I'm going to go home, shower, and probably take a nap. I'll come over around seven?"

"Don't bother. There's nothing left to say." And with that, she shut the door.

* * *

It had been two weeks and try as he might Jackson couldn't get April to talk to him. He'd tried calling her, texting her, stopping by her house, and even cornering her at work. Much good that had done him, now everyone knew they were no longer together.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry about you and Kepner. I really thought you two would make it this time," Alex had said before he and Wilson left the bar.

Now here he was sitting alone at the bar. What he wouldn't give to be over at April's place watching TV with her on the couch. Their break up was even harder the second time around because now he was even more in love with her. He should have lied. He should have told her that he'd thought about proposing to her. It wasn't too far from the truth. She was the only woman he wanted in his future, but did their future have to start right away? This was only April's second serious relationship. She needed to grow up a little. Hell, he still needed to grow up a little. What was so wrong about waiting a year or two before getting engaged? He'd never get to ask, because she'd never freaking talk to him.

Setting down his glass, he pushed it towards the bartender. "Another, please."

"Hey, Doc, I think you've had enough. Need me to call you a cab?"

"Don't worry," a familiar voice said behind him. "I'll take him home."

Turning around, he came face to face with his ex.

"Stephanie..."

* * *

 _But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me_

 _Oh and I rush to the start_

 _Running in circles, chasing our tails_

 _Coming back as we are_

Jackson looked at Stephanie, slightly confused and wondered if the girl before him was truly his ex. "Stephanie?" he asked.

She nodded, gently touching his shoulder. "Why don't you let me take you home?"

At that moment, Jackson heard someone else clear her throat loudly. "Excuse me Edwards, but I've got this. I'll take Avery home," Callie Torres interrupted brusquely.

"I think we should let Jackson choose," replied Stephanie indignantly.

Grabbing his coat, Jackson stood up a little unsteadily, "Uh, I should go with Torres. I don't want April," he hiccoughed, "mad at me."

Stephanie squinted, looking hurt. "Oh, are you two back together?"

"No, but they will be soon enough," Callie answered for him. "They don't need you as a complication."

With that, Callie walked briskly towards the door, leaving Jackson no choice but to follow her. In his less than sober state, he couldn't quite follow what had just happened. But he knew enough to know he was grateful that Callie had interfered. He loved April. He wanted only April. The time for messing around and pretending he could live without her was over. If he hadn't fooled around with Stephanie the first time, he and April would have gotten back together, without all the pointless drama, without the rebounds, without some dumbass paramedic proposing to his girl. If he could, he would go back in time and do things differently.

"My car's over here."

Buckling into his seat belt moments later, Jackson turned and thanked Callie for the ride.

"No problem. After Mark woke up out of his coma, we had a chat about you. He told me to look after you until he got back on his feet, to make sure you didn't get into trouble. He never did get back on his feet, but he'd still want me to keep an eye on you. I've kind of neglected my duty, but I felt like you needed my help tonight."

"I'm good. I don't need looking after," Jackson protested.

"Yeah, yeah, you do. I speak from experience when I say that you can't get over the one you really love by sleeping with someone else. It was a bad idea to get with Stephanie not only because she's an intern, but because she was never going to mean as much to you as April. Sleeping with her again won't help your case with April. Speaking of Kepner, what exactly happened between you two?"

Jackson told her the story of what happened in San Francisco.

"Hold on a second. Let me make sure I understand this," Callie said. "She thought you were going to propose. You didn't. When she asked you about marriage, you told her you hadn't thought about it because you were so busy with work. You do want to marry her someday right?"

Jackson nodded. "Of course."

"Does she know that? Does she know that it's just the timing and not her?"

Jackson looked out the window, at the houses whizzing by. "I don't know," he murmured.

"Well, you better make sure she knows."

* * *

April hated the fact that she was a crybaby and it didn't take much to set her off. Today, it was Jackson. She had been doing her best to steer clear of him. He'd finally cornered her in the hallway and her only option had been to sneak into the ladies' room. Much to her surprise, he'd actually followed her into the bathroom. Stuck in a stall waiting for him to leave, she had been forced to listen to him.

"April, I'm sorry," he'd said. "I didn't mean to hurt you. What I should have said is that while I haven't made plans to marry you right now I definitely see us married in the future. You're it for me April. I don't want anyone but you."

She hadn't responded and after a few minutes of waiting in silence he'd eventually left. Hearing the door close, she finally emerged from her stall. She could barely hold her composure. Her thoughts were torn between still being hurt about what happened in San Francisco and feeling like a fool for not talking things out with him.

April didn't know what was wrong with her. Jackson had been trying to talk to her for days, but she couldn't get over the fact that he hadn't proposed. She had wanted it so bad. She was tired of waiting to have sex, but she didn't want their relationship to go like it had last time and only be about the physical. Their relationship meant more than that to her. She needed to know that their relationship meant more to Jackson as well.

But instead of talking it out with him, here she was, bawling her eyes out.

The door opened and April quickly averted her eyes and wiped the moisture off her cheeks as Cristina entered the bathroom. The last thing she needed was to have the other woman mock her right now.

"Um. Hey. You don't want to talk do you? Because I just want to pee."

"No...no. I'm fine. I'll be alright in just a...a minute," April sobbed, willing herself to stop.

Cristina shot her a disbelieving look and went into a stall. Turning on the faucet, April splashed her face with cold water. As she dried off her face, she heard the ding of her cell phone. Glancing down, she read:

I love you. I want to be with you, but I know that I'm bothering you so I'll leave you alone.

Squeezing her eyes shut, April tried in vain to hold back a fresh batch of tears. She didn't want him to leave her alone. Why couldn't she just talk to him? Why did she have to be so proud?

"Are you still crying?" Cristina asked. "I don't know what's happened between you and Jackson but you're absolutely no use if you're not together. Pretty boy just mopes all the time and votes against any budget spending. You rearrange everything in the supply closets and cry all the time. At least when the two of you are together actual work gets done."

"I know. I'm so miserable without him."

"So is he. You're his crack. Right now, he's going through a withdrawal and the symptoms aren't pretty. All he wants is another hit."

"No, not anymore. He just texted me to tell me he's not going to bother me anymore."

Cristina sighed. "Seriously? This whole back and forth thing doesn't get old for you? Grow a pair and get him back."

April sputtered, trying and failing to get any words out.

"You love him. He loves you. Don't let something stupid get in the way of being happy...I told myself I wasn't going to get all wishy washy with you so I'm going to leave you and we won't speak of this again, because honestly, I'm a little bored."

Touching the handle of the door, Cristina paused and turned back to face April. "Just don't leave him waiting too long. You're not the only dealer on the street corner. He'll find someone else after a while."

* * *

April walked up to the door of Jackson's apartment. The strange advice she'd received from Cristina had made her think long and hard, but more importantly it made her want to do something about what she thought was a hopeless situation.

She loved Jackson, but because she'd wanted her fairy tale life complete with the big wedding and happily ever after she had neglected to acknowledge Jackson's feelings. His life was way more stressful now than it had been a year ago. He always made a point to find time for her even though he had little free time for himself. It was understandable that he hadn't spent much time thinking about their future when he had so little time for their present. She also felt guilty about halting the physical side of their relationship. If that was something he needed, then she would do it, without giving him a guilt trip this time around.

Knocking on the door, April sent up a silent prayer that everything would work itself out. A sigh of relief escaped her lips as Jackson opened the door. "Hey," he said.

"Hey. Have you eaten already? I thought I'd make you dinner."

"Um, no, I haven't. Come on in."

Setting the paper bag on the counter, April turned around, wrapped her arms around Jackson's neck and kissed him. A minute later, she stepped back and said, "I thought I'd make shrimp scampi and a Caesar salad. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah, it sounds great," Jackson replied, looking a little confounded.

"Why don't you find some music to play for us while I cook?" she suggested.

After eating dinner and cleaning the kitchen, Jackson and April cuddled on the couch watching the evening news. Taking a deep breath and gathering all her courage, April sat up and slipped her top over her head.

"April..." Jackson gasped.

"Shh," she said, putting her finger against his lips. She then proceeded to unbutton her pants and within seconds she was left in only her bra and panties as Jackson stared in slack-jawed shock. Crawling back towards Jackson, her hand made its way to his belt buckle.

"Wait," Jackson protested, stilling the hand that was at his waist. "All night you've been acting weird like we never broke up. Now, you're all over me. What's going on?"

"You don't want to have sex?" she asked, intending to evade his question.

"Of course I do, but not like this. We've been beating around the bush all night. What's up?"

Putting her shirt back on, April sat down on the couch and pulled her knees towards her chest. Unable to keep his penetrating gaze, she closed her eyes and whispered, "I didn't really want to break up with you."

"Good," Jackson smiled. "Because I didn't want to either."

Comforted, April made her way back over to his side of the couch. Her hand, slowly creeping up his thigh and returning to his belt buckle. As her fingers deftly began to work, April began to place light kisses on the side of his face and his neck. Her lips formed a smile at hearing him groan.

April's lips met Jackson's but she soon became perplexed when she realized that he was not returning her kiss. Pulling away, Jackson lifted his hand and gently swept her hair back. "You can't use sex to keep us from talking about our issues. We need to talk first and then, if you want, we can make love."

Sighing, April went back to the other side of the couch. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, first, I'd like to explain that just because I'm not thinking about a wedding in the near future that doesn't mean that I don't want to get married to you."

"Fair enough," April replied.

"I can tell that disappoints you. Don't hold it in. Tell me about it."

Not wanting to get in another fight, April was hesitant to respond. "I've loved you for so long Jackson. First, as a friend and then more recently as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. There's hardly anything we don't know about each other. It's not like we would be rushing into anything because we have years of history between us. I'm upset that we have to wait. As a virgin, I spent a lot of time waiting. You think it would make me more patient, but it doesn't. I want what I want and I want it now."

"I can attest to your impatience. When you want something, you definitely let me know," Jackson chuckled. "Let's revisit the marriage thing again in a couple months. Work should slow down for me by then and we can figure out a date."

Smiling, April whispered, "Really?"

"Really. Now, where were we?" Jackson asked, leaning in close.

Clasping Jackson tightly to her, April responded enthusiastically to his kisses. "I don't want to lose you again," she whispered against his lips.

Gazing into her eyes, Jackson responded, "You're not going to lose me. Whether we have sex or not, I'm here by your side. Always. This is only the beginning for us. So if you're not comfortable with this, we don't have to…"

* * *

 _Nobody said it was easy_

 _Oh it's such a shame for us to part_

 _Nobody said it was easy_

 _No one ever said it would be so hard_

 _I'm going back to the start_

Jackson had been shopping with his mom for the last few hours, hoping to find the perfect ring. In Boston for only a few days, Jackson took care of hospital business quickly so he could spend the rest of the time picking out an engagement ring for April.

"Do you think she will like this one?" he asked.

"I think the ring might be a little too colorful for her. Canary diamonds aren't for every girl."

"OK," Jackson shrugged, his eyes scanning the glass counter for another option.

"What about that one?" he asked a moment later, pointing to a ring with two golden hands holding a diamond heart.

"Well, that is definitely...unique, but let's keep our options open."

Not one to be deterred, he kept looking. After another minute, his eyes caught a big sparkly cluster of diamonds that made the diamond ring that the paramedic had bought April look like chump change. "Mom, what about this one over here? Look at all those diamonds. Nice, right?"

Sighing, Catherine replied, "Honey, I'm going to be frank with you. We've been at this for three hours. Enough is enough. You have terrible taste. April's a classy girl with simple taste. Here, look at this ring right here. It's a classic princess cut with a platinum band."

Jackson made a face. "Do you really think she'll like it?"

"Trust me. She's going to love it."

* * *

At dinner that night, Catherine brought up the subject of the proposal. "So how are you going to ask?"

Chewing the rest of his piece of steak, Jackson shook his head. "I really don't know, Mom. That paramedic used a freaking flash mob to propose. I don't know if I can top that."

Catherine leaned over and rubbed his shoulder. "It's alright baby. April's going to just be happy that you're proposing to her, but you should put some thought into it."

He had tried to think of a way to propose to her, but he just wasn't that creative or romantic. He'd racked his brain for ideas and had even googled ways to propose. One of the suggestions had been to go back to where it all began and propose there. He'd already blown that opportunity. There was no way he could get April to return to San Francisco without her being suspicious.

"I know. You could make a scavenger hunt and at the end you propose to her." Catherine suggested.

"Where would I do the scavenger hunt?"

"You could revisit all the places you've had special moments together. Write riddles for where to find each clue."

"The entire scavenger hunt would be at the hospital. We haven't gone on that many dates."

"Baby, you need to take that girl of yours out more. She deserves it. Hmmm, let me think. How about taking her to a ball game and popping the question on the Jumbotron?"

"Mom, you know that I don't do well on camera."

Catherine chuckled. "I forget that my strong, handsome boy is camera shy. Well, you'll come up with the perfect way to propose. When do you think you'll do it?"

"I was thinking Valentine's Day. April likes all that romantic stuff."

"That's only about a month away. You better get to it. Don't worry. She's going to say yes. She's just as crazy about you as you are about her."

Jackson managed a small smile. He prayed that his mother was right. He'd be crushed if April said no.

"I am so excited for you. My little boy is growing up. Getting married. Going to start a family of his own."

"Yeah," Jackson agreed, taking another bite of his food.

"I hate to bring this up, but I feel like I ought to. It hasn't been that long since you and April broke up and got back together. Did you two work things out? You don't want those same problems popping up again in your marriage."

"Yeah, Mom. April and I are fine. No more break ups." He'd done his best to make sure of that, compromising even when he didn't want to. He closed his eyes, remembering the conversation they'd had after they'd gotten back together.

 _"If you're not comfortable with this, we don't have to..." Jackson had assured her. Mentally crossing his fingers that she'd be comfortable that she'd be OK. He didn't want to be all whiny and needy, but he really missed the physical side of their relationship._

 _April bit her lip, shooting him that uncertain, doe eyed look. Damn, she isn't OK with it._

 _Leaning his head against the couch, he lovingly stroked her back. "It's OK. We don't have to."_

 _Sitting up and moving from his embrace, April replied, "Don't lie to me to save my feelings. I know you want sex to be a regular part of our relationship, but if I'm honest with myself I'm not OK with it. I used to laugh when celebrities confessed they were sex addicts. I thought they used that as just an excuse to explain why they cheated, but after sleeping with you I can totally see how that's a thing. Sex is addictive. It felt so good sleeping with you...Really, really good. I've never experienced anything like it. But that's not who I am. I don't want to be that person who goes against her own morals or who is a lesser version of herself. Even though there are a lot of people who don't like me, I've always been proud of myself, of what I've accomplished, of what I believe in. When I sleep with you, all of that gets jumbled up. I get confused. It feels great when we're together, but afterwards I end up hating myself because I didn't live up to my own standard. So for me to like me, I can't sleep with you until we're married."_

 _Jackson swallowed. "You're right. I don't like it. Honestly, I think it's a little silly. This isn't the 1800s. It's OK for people to have sex. To enjoy sex. It doesn't make you a bad person, April. I don't get all this religion stuff all of a sudden. It wasn't too long ago when you told us that the reason you hadn't had sex was because you had just waited too long for the right moment and that you thought guys were annoyed by you."_

 _Closing her eyes for a moment, April confessed, "I was a little untruthful about my reasons for staying a virgin. In my freshmen year of college, I told my roommate the real reason that I was waiting. How I was going to save myself for the man I would marry. That I wanted to wait for the man that God had planned for me. You know what she did? She laughed at me and by the end of the night all of the girls on my floor knew my secret. That whole year I was mocked and teased about it. After that, I kept quiet about my beliefs. So when you guys made fun of me for being a virgin a couple of years ago, I conveniently left out the waiting for marriage part. I didn't want to add more fuel to the fire."_

 _"What about that thing with Alex?"_

 _April half cried, half laughed as she said, "Oh gosh, don't remind me of that. That was a low point for me. I was feeling lonely and I had a crush on him. The second I took my shirt off I started having doubts."_

 _"Wait, what? Karev's seen you without your shirt on?" Jackson asked, a hint of jealousy in his voice._

 _"Relax. I was wearing a bra."_

 _"Doesn't mean I have to like it," Jackson muttered under his breath. More loudly, he said, "I get it now, where you're coming from, and if you want to wait. We'll wait."_

 _Wrapping her arms around his waist, she snuggled close to his chest. "Thanks for understanding. I love you."_

"Good. I'm glad you got things figured out. Relationships aren't easy. I know April's different than you in many ways, but I think that's a good thing. She's making you a better man."

* * *

Dropping his luggage in the entryway, Jackson grinned when he caught sight of April. Setting down her mixing bowl, she ran towards him. He lifted her off the ground and kissed her. Her teeth gently sunk into his bottom lip. After a couple minutes of enthusiastically welcoming him home, April took a step back.

"I'm so glad you're back. I'm making your favorites for dinner."

"You didn't have to do that," Jackson protested.

"I know, but I wanted to," April called from the kitchen.

Jackson followed her into the kitchen and leaned against the counter as he watched her cook.

"How was your trip? I hope your mom didn't drive you too crazy."

"I want to marry you," he blurted, shocking himself.

This wasn't how he planned on asking her. Well, truth be told, he hadn't really planned anything, but this wasn't how he'd do it. But for some reason, he couldn't wait any longer. He had to ask her now.

The spatula that April had been holding fell to the floor. She slowly turned from the stove and stared open mouthed at him.

"Hold on," he said. "I'll be right back."

Running to the living room, he quickly rummaged through his luggage, searching for the jewelry box. Finding it, he rushed back to the kitchen, opened the box, and slowly made his way down on one knee.

"I used to think that no one could have just one soul mate or at least that's what I told girls to get them to sleep with me. But after knowing you, after falling in love with you, I realize what a bunch of crap I was spouting. You're the only one I've ever loved this much. You're the only one I can't live without. So April Kepner, will you make sure I don't have to live without you? Will you marry me?"

April had only one word for him. Yes.


	4. Swallow

**Favorite Episode(s) - 10x12/10x13**

 _This is another old story of mine, but I've added a new ending._

* * *

 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

 _I'll be the one, if you want me to._

 _Anywhere, I would've followed you._

 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

Jackson couldn't shake the conversation he'd had earlier with Stephanie regarding April and the wedding invitations. He'd learned long ago that when it came to April a lot of what she did just didn't make sense. And more often than not when you asked her for an explanation it still didn't alleviate any of the confusion. Hell, he was still trying to figure out her dessert metaphor from a year ago. But in this case, Jackson felt he needed a reason as to why April hadn't just invited him. Why two invitations? She knew about him and Stephanie. He'd even told her about introducing Stephanie to his mother. She knew. So why was she doing this? Something wasn't right.

Finding her at the nurses' stations, he walked towards her and came to a halt right beside her, gently bumping into her. "So you realize that Stephanie and I are serious...you get that right?"

She knew. She had to know.

"Yeah...yeah. It's nice that you guys are you know whatever you are," April replied.

Jackson shook his head. April obviously didn't believe he and Stephanie were serious. Apparently if you weren't engaged, your relationship wasn't much in April's eyes. Choosing to ignore her cattiness, Jackson continued, "Right...So why did you invite Stephanie plus a guest and me plus a guest? What's going on?"

A smile spread across April's face that Jackson knew was 100% fake. He'd known her for long enough to know her facial expressions like the back of his hand. And the smiley face and cheery attitude were complete and utter BS.

"About that...I wanted to talk to you about that. You are actually not getting an invitation, but Stephanie is so you can just be her plus one."

That's not the whole story. She's hiding something.

Cocking his head to the side in query, he murmured, "Mmmhmm."

Jackson grinned inwardly as April's voice squeaked out. Here was the real April. The woman who gets nervous when faced with what she perceives as unpleasantness. The woman who was honest almost to a fault.

"Look, I put your name on the invite list. Your name is Avery. We don't know any other A's. You're literally the top of the list, first thing we see when we look at it. I just...I didn't wanna rub it in Matthew's face."

April went from nervous to worried as Jackson watched her bite down on her lower lip. Damn, this whole thing was messed up. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't they go back to the way things used to be?

"If he has a problem with my name on a piece of paper, why should I be at this wedding?"

What was up with the guy anyway? It wasn't like he was trying to take April away from Matthew. He didn't pine after her. He wasn't trying to rekindle their relationship. What they had was dead, over, done with, finito. Sure they'd almost kissed months ago, but that had been about friendship. He had been comforting her like old times. If Alex hadn't walked in, he would have just given her a friendly peck. That was all. And what happened after the bus explosion was nothing really. Just a moment of weakness on April's part.

"Because of me. Because you're my friend and I want you to be there."

That vulnerable look was there, on her face. The one that simultaneously enraged him and melted his determination all in one breath. It angered him because he wanted more for April. He wanted her to stop doubting herself, to stand up for herself. But it also made him want to protect her. He hated seeing that look on her face. In the past, he would do anything to keep April from making that expression. Hug her, rub her knee, punch Alex, give her a pep talk, kiss her, anything to make her feel better, to make her feel special and loved.

"Yeah, well," he whispered. "I wanna be there too...Come on..."

"I...I can't go through with this if I don't have your blessing," April pleaded.

What did she mean by that? His blessing? Jackson felt his anger rise at her words. She hadn't needed his blessing when she'd accepted Matthew's proposal the first time nor when she stuck with Matthew after he'd told her off after the bus explosion. Jackson didn't know what kind of game she was playing but he was going to sit this one out. He'd had his turn on the field before and he'd come back battered and bruised. No, he was done. He wasn't going to get himself into this trap again. He had moved on. It was time she did too.

"Well, you have it," Jackson answered, a little harshly even to his own ears. "Alright. But I don't think I should be there."

Walking off, Jackson realized that he should feel sad that he wasn't going to be able to attend his best friend's wedding. Oddly enough, all he felt was an overwhelming sense of relief.

* * *

 _And I am feeling so small._

 _It was over my head_

 _I know nothing at all._

"Oh, we don't have to go to Kepner's wedding. I talked to her. We don't have to worry about any of it."

Thank goodness. The last thing he wanted to deal with was the uneasiness he felt in the pit of his stomach whenever he thought about April getting married.

Stephanie, unwilling to drop the matter so easily, asked, "Why?"

"It's just simpler," Jackson answered, hoping she would just drop it.

"You know I have this patient..."

Jackson half listened as she rambled on about her patients' extremely odd personal lives. Stephanie was trying to make some point about him and April, but it was a bit of a reach.

"That's what it looks like when people are over each other," she said, concluding her story.

Well, her patients weren't him and April. He and April hadn't started new relationships completely devoid of feelings for one another. There'd been baggage, a lot of it. He'd started his thing with Stephanie in hopes of forgetting about April. And April, well, April continued with an engagement even after she had confessed her feelings for him. So their split wasn't what one would call normal. There was still stuff in the way. Feelings of bitterness at the way April treated him, at the way their friendship had changed, that he just couldn't get past, no matter how hard he tried.

"You think that I should be hugging Matthew?" he asked incredulously.

"Why aren't we going to the wedding?" Stephanie asked, point blank.

Jackson sighed. "Because my name starts with A. Because April is neurotic. Because Matthew and I do not hug. And no it's not gonna be comfortable. It's awkward, frankly, it's probably gonna be awkward forever, but that doesn't mean it isn't over between us because it is. It's important to me that you believe that." If only he could get himself to fully believe it as well.

Leaning down, he did what he'd learned years ago to do when he'd wanted a girl to stop talking, he kissed her. He'd always said he never used his looks or his sexuality to get his way, but that was a bald faced lie. He knew exactly what to do, what to say, how to make his eyes gleam in just the right way to get what he wanted, to get out of trouble. Except his moves had rarely worked on April. She'd known him too long as a friend. She knew exactly what he was doing and was practically immune to his charms. April had most definitely been in charge of the relationship. She always got what she wanted and he always, without exception, caved.

Well, not anymore. He was with someone who was easy, who wasn't neurotic, who was dependable. It didn't take work to be with Stephanie. They just were. Sure, what he had with April was far more passionate and intense, but then again, he had been crazy in love with her. He'd been attracted to her like a moth to a flame. No matter how many times she'd swatted at him, he'd always come back for more. Until one day he got a little of his self-respect back and ended things with her.

Him telling April that he and Stephanie were serious might have been more wishful thinking than actual truth. But he was trying. Trying to make something of him and Stephanie. Something simple. Something reliable and predictable. Stephanie would never pull the rug out from under him. She would always be there, even-keeled and mellow. No, he wasn't in love with her, but he cared about her and enjoyed being with her. Surely that was enough to make a lasting relationship. April was able to move on. Why couldn't he?

No, there would be no more talk of the awful mess that was him, April and Matthew. Even if he wanted to discuss it, he wouldn't know what to say. His stomach got tied up in knots whenever he thought about April as Matthew's wife. How was he going to explain that to his girlfriend when he couldn't even explain it to himself? No, it was better to just push away those kind of thoughts and focus on things he could actually control.

* * *

 _And I will stumble and fall._

 _I'm still learning to love_

 _Just starting to crawl._

Jackson shook his head at the mess that was his patient's neck. That dumb ass Matthew had been so gung-ho to help, to prove himself that he hadn't even stopped to think maybe he shouldn't be the one slicing into this man's neck, maybe he should wait on the highly trained surgeon standing next to him. But no, Mr. Boy Scout Paramedic just had to trach away without a care. Now, he was going to be in surgery for hours cleaning up after that fool. At least April was here to pass the time with him.

Looking up at her, he noticed that her brow was furrowed. "You yelled at Matthew in front of my sisters," she accused. "Now, they're gonna think I'm engaged to a nitwit."

Jackson smiled for a second beneath his mask. Nitwit. That was a good name for Matthew.

"Alright, Ducky," he replied jokingly.

"Don't call me Ducky!" April snapped, taking Jackson aback a little. Wow, the wedding must really be taking a toll on her. She wasn't usually this waspish.

"OK," Jackson replied, treading lightly.

Sighing, April explained, "It means Ugly Duckling because I grew up with braces and pimples. And they still see me that way. It's like…I'm not an idiot incapable of doing anything right...I'm a freaking trauma surgeon!"

It was like a light bulb went off in his head. Jackson finally understood why April was the way April was. All her ramblings, her insecurities, her propensity to cry, all of it was because of the way she was treated as a child. And if anyone could understand growing up with your family having low expectations of you, it was him. Of course, his family hadn't ragged on him for his looks, but they sure as hell didn't think he was gonna make much of himself. A model, yes. A doctor, no. It had felt damn good when he'd proved them wrong, showed them that he could be something.

Wanting to comfort her, he did the one thing he could do, he fibbed. "He did a great job. Actually I would have done the same thing." If I were an untrained idiot like him.

Eyes hopeful, April asked, "Matthew was right?"

"Yep," he lied, looking straight in her eyes. "You should go spread the word. You are not engaged to a nitwit. You know what this is actually gonna be a pretty easy fix. So why don't you just go ahead and go. I got it."

"Really? I was kind of hoping that I could hide out here all day."

As much as he would personally love that, there was no way his lie would hold up if she stayed. He was going to be working on this guy for hours. Besides her family was here. As annoying as they were, they were still family. She should be hanging out with them instead.

"They came all this way to see you. You should go. You're always on my case about spending time with my mom when she comes to Seattle. It's time you got a little taste of your own advice."

April looked a bit dejected, but she nodded her head and set down her scalpel. "Yeah, you're right. If they don't drive you crazy, they're not family. You sure you've got this?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks," April said. Standing on tip toe, she kissed him on the cheek. "You're the best."

"I know. Now, get out of here."

Well, his plans were ruined for the night all thanks to that dumb ass paramedic. He should be more upset, but for some reason he couldn't keep a smile off his face.

* * *

 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

 _I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you._

 _Anywhere, I would've followed you._

 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

Jackson rounded the corner and found Matthew waiting for him.

"You owe me an apology," the other man said. "April said you would have done exactly what I did."

Was this guy for real? If he thought he was going to apologize, then Matthew was completely delusional. Like he would ever apologize to him. Yeah, that was a negatory. Jackson didn't know what it was about this guy that got up his craw, but he was about to deliver some home truths. Matthew had pulled a dick move yesterday and he should know that his actions had consequences.

"Yeah, yeah I told April that. But the truth is that you messed up this guy's neck and I spent 8 hours fixing it yesterday. So how about a thank you. How about you should have waited one second for the surgeon standing right next to you. I mean what was that? You thought you had to be the big man out there. I mean you feel threatened by me...?"

Why else would the guy be on his case?

"No. I don't feel threatened by you. I was trying to save the guy's life."

Realizing he had gotten himself a little wound up, Jackson took a breath to calm down "Great. So was I," he admitted.

"OK, I don't have a problem with you."

Jackson realized he didn't have a problem with the other man either, but for some reason he still didn't like him. Something he found a bit odd because in a weird way the man reminded him of his old friend Charles Percy. Charles had been a big, dorky doof just like Matthew, but Charles had been alright once he'd gotten to know him. He hadn't known him that well at Mercy West, but once they'd transferred to Seattle Grace they'd gotten to be better friends. Jackson had the feeling that if it wasn't for April that he and Matthew could have become buddies. But there was always going to be that awkwardness between them, because of her. "I...I don't have a problem with you either man," he replied as he shook Matthew's hand.

"Hope to see you at the wedding," Matthew remarked as he made his way to leave.

Startled, Jackson stammered, "I...I don't know if I'm actually gonna be able to make it."

"I know it would mean a lot to April if you could...Since we're good you should definitely come."

Jackson stared in the distance after Matthew had left, pondering what the other man had just said. Go to the wedding? He wasn't sure if he could. It had been more comfortable to hide behind Matthew's dislike of him and use that as an excuse as to why he couldn't attend. With that no longer an issue, he had no real reason to not attend April's wedding. So why did he feel so squeamish about going? Why couldn't he just be happy for her? Despite what had happened between them, she was still his closest friend. So why didn't he want to go to her wedding? Jackson nervously swallowed. He had a feeling he didn't want to find out.

* * *

Jackson was headed to the elevator to visit a patient on the 4th floor. Reading his patient's file as he walked, he let out an "Oof," when he ran into someone. Glancing up, he found that someone was April.

He couldn't keep a smile off his face as he said, "Wow, you look..."

April shook her head. "No, nope, don't say I look nice."

That hadn't been what he was thinking at all. Never one to miss an opportunity to ruffle her feathers, he teased, "Like a train wreck, but I can see where it's going." Then, he realized something. It was her wedding day. She should be wherever brides are when they get ready. "Um, what are you doing here?"

"I'm hunting bridesmaids."

"Now, is that a farm tradition?" he asked, smiling at his own joke.

Suddenly, April blurted, "Are you gonna be there?"

The smile was immediately wiped off his face as he contemplated her question. He really didn't want to go to her wedding, but it was April. He didn't have the best track record when it came to saying no to her.

"I totally understand if you're not. I just..."

"Do you want me to be there?" he asked, half hoping she would change her mind and say no.

"Yes! Of course!" April replied emphatically.

"Then, I'll be there." She was his friend. He wouldn't be a very good one if he told her no. He would just have to suck it up and deal with it. He didn't have to like it, but he would have to go.

"Thank you," April replied, looking relieved.

"Alright," he said, intending to keep things as normal as possible. He reached to give her a hug.

"OK. Wait...you know...the hair is..." April sputtered.

"OK," Jackson said, before they both went their separate ways. Trying to hug her had been an epic fail.

* * *

"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there." Jackson repeated the words his mentor and friend, Mark Sloan, had told him over a year ago to Stephanie as they operated.

He didn't know why the words had suddenly come to him. Something about this patient and his wife struck something within him. They made him wistful, made him long for the type of relationship they had.

Stephanie whispered, "That's nice."

It was at that moment that Jackson realized that however fun and comfortable his relationship with Stephanie was that it was never going to be serious.

* * *

Leaving his patient's room, Jackson remembered Sloan's words for the second time that day. This time they took on a whole new meaning after what had happened to his patient. Life was short. Life was precious. Love while you could was what Sloan had basically told him.

He did love. He loved someone who was not his to love. Yet that did not stop him from entertaining the thought of telling her his true feelings. He loved her. He had always loved her. He couldn't pinpoint the moment when he'd started loving her. It was as if his feelings had always been there. She was the one he loved. No matter how hard he'd tried to move on with Stephanie. No matter how many times he'd told himself and even April that he was over her. It just wasn't true. His feelings were always there in the back of his mind, haunting him with the potential of what he and April could have been. He would always and forever love only her.

That didn't mean he had any right to speak up and tell her how he felt. Much to his dismay, the time had passed for telling her how he felt. He should have said something after the bus explosion. Instead he'd let his wounded pride speak for him. He'd lashed out at April when he should have pulled her into his arms and never let her go. The opportunity was missed. As much as he loved her, he would never do anything to ruin her happiness. If it was any day other than her wedding day, he might consider going to her and telling her how he felt. But as it was he would have to suffer the consequences. Jackson resolved to stifle the voice in his head that urged him to action. A voice that sounded like Mark Sloan's. No, he would have to cut his losses and accept that these feelings would never go away. At least, he wasn't alone, he still had Stephanie. Looking up, he realized that Stephanie had been trying to say something to him. "What?" he asked, slightly dazed.

She'd looked like she'd been about to tell him something serious. "It's nothing," she said. "Never mind."

* * *

 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

 _And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you._

 _And anywhere, I would have followed you._

 _Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you._

"Aw, mint to be! Cute!" Stephanie exclaimed as she picked up a tin box of mints.

Picking up a cardboard box next to the tins, Jackson asked, "What is in these?"

"Oh, we're supposed to open those when they kiss."

By the time Stephanie finished speaking, Jackson had already opened the box and muttered an "Oh, crap," as a butterfly flew out.

Butterflies? She'd wanted to get married in a field of butterflies. A pang of sadness hit him as he remembered the short lived happiness of his engagement to April.

"Nice, you just ruined Kepner's wedding."

"Huh?" he asked, aware that Stephanie had spoken but not exactly sure of what she'd said.

"Come on," she motioned towards the door of the barn. In a daze, he followed her to their seats.

* * *

Jackson watched as Arizona, Meredith and Cristina walked down the aisle. Then, the wedding march began and everyone stood up. Looking at the entrance of the barn, he saw April with her father. He smiled. He could do nothing else. She looked absolutely beautiful, radiant with joy. She looked happy. He was happy that his friend was happy.

His eyes met hers as she passed. It reminded him of when Matthew had proposed to her. Her eyes had searched for his in the crown, seeking his approval, his reassurance. Of course, he would always approve anything that made April happy. For some reason, she always looked to him when she made decisions or needed help. She always relied on him to give her advice or provide assistance or be a shoulder to cry on. But she would have to stop doing that now. Matt would be her husband. Matt should be the one she goes to when things aren't right in her world.

A line needed to be drawn in their relationship. For his peace of mind, if not for her marriage. Even though Matt said he didn't have a problem with him, he would be bound to resent him if he noticed how often April went to him for things. When she came back from her honeymoon, he would have to tell her that things had changed between them. When they were single, they had been able to be close friends, but after she married it just wouldn't look right. People would think it was weird.

The pastor started praying and other than Shepherd's phone going off, everything was going off without a hitch. He was happy for her. Man, he was having to tell himself that a lot today. It was becoming a mantra that he said to keep his true feelings at bay.

Jackson realized that the pastor had finished praying and that the ceremony was truly beginning to start. This wedding was actually happening. At the end of it, Matthew and April would really be husband and wife.

The pastor asked the guests, "Will you promise to love and support their marriage in all the days to come? If so, please respond we will."

April was looking at him again. She was happy, so damn happy, so content and at peace. Yet, damn it all, her eyes had to stray to him again. It was always going to be like this between them. They would always be emotionally dependent on one another. And he wanted to be happy for her, he really did. He wanted to be altruistic and let her marry Matthew and live happily ever after. But what about him? What about his happiness? If he joined the chorus of other voices saying "We will," then he would never know true happiness. And from the way April kept looking at him for approval, he doubted she would either.

Turning to Stephanie, he said, "I, uh..."

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

 _Say something, I'm giving up on you._

 _Say something..._

After whispering his apology to Stephanie, Jackson stood up and headed toward the middle of the aisle. Looking around he realized what a terrible decision that was. He didn't even have a plan. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? Everyone was just staring at him. He looked like an ass for getting up in the middle of the ceremony. The pastor stopped speaking. April turned and looked at him confused as to why he would stand up. Matthew also turned, but his eyes were wary and suspicious. Quickly sitting back down, Jackson tried to steady his heartbeat.

At this moment, he was feeling two emotions very keenly - humiliation and fear. Fear of censure from his coworkers and friends had made him sit back down. But another fear, a fear of losing the one person that meant the most to him settled over him, making him realize how bleak his future would be. If he didn't say something, April would marry this guy. If she did, then he would never get to kiss her, hold her in his arms, or make love to her ever again. She wouldn't be his wife, wouldn't be the mother of his children, and wouldn't be the one he grew old with.

Jackson felt like he was having a near death experience because a series of memories flashed through his mind - the first time he'd met her at the interns' dinner, their first patient together, their move to Seattle Grace, her tear-stained face after the debacle with Karev, their first kiss, the soft expression in her eyes the first time they'd made love, the rushed but nonetheless mind-blowing moments in the bathroom stall, her return to Seattle Grace, the time that she'd thought she was pregnant - his initial fear and then peace and acceptance of the situation, April telling him that she missed him, her reaction to the bus explosion, her telling him that she wanted him and a myriad of other moments that had passed between the two of them over the years that he'd known her. All of it whizzed before his eyes. He was determined now. The fear of losing April was too real for him not to speak up.

Just as the pastor began speaking again, Jackson stood up for a second time. This time there was no turning back.

"I love you...April. I always have," he began, his eyes transfixed on April. Charging on, despite the rapid pounding of his heart and the whispers and shocked glances from everyone in the room, he continued and said what he should have told her ages ago, "I love everything about you...Even the things I don't like, I love...And I want you with me. I love you and I think that you love me too...Do you?"

There. He'd said it. After over a year of denying his feelings for her, the truth was out at last. He'd told her how he felt. It was the worst possible time and the worst possible way, but it couldn't be helped. Telling her now was his only option.

The seconds ticked by after his last words. His eyes never veered from her. She looked at her bridesmaids, snuck a quick peek at Matthew and finally rested her eyes on his once more. She looked shocked, scared, worried. Her facial expressions were giving him no clue as to how she felt about him. She was still too busy processing and dealing with the shock of his badly timed proclamation.

The more seconds passed, the more Jackson grew afraid. What if she didn't love him? What if she wanted Matthew instead? What if she never wanted to speak to him again after he ruined her wedding? If she wasn't in his life in some capacity, he didn't know what he would do.

He swallowed nervously. His life was in the balance until she spoke.

And all he could do was wait.

* * *

 _Ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom._

The sound of his heartbeat was deafening. It was so quiet in the barn you could hear a pin drop. As he felt himself get a little lightheaded, he realized he'd been holding his breath. Slowly, he exhaled.

His eyes were glued on April as she bit her lip. Turning to Matthew, she said, "I'm sorry."

Then, the most miraculous thing happened, she started walking towards him. Her footsteps gathered more speed with each step until she stood right in front of him. "I love you too," she whispered nervously.

Feeling awkward with the dozens of eyes plastered on them, he murmured, "Let's get out of here."

Taking her hand, they bolted out of the barn. He was on a high. He got his girl. How could he not be happy?

But once they got in the car, the realization of what they'd done sunk in, particularly with April. She was a second away from hyperventilating.

"April, do you…do you not want to do this?" he asked, half afraid of her answer.

Her eyes turned to his. And for a few moments they just stared at each other. Then, suddenly, they melted into each other arms. After months without kissing or holding her, he found himself a little ravenous. The kiss was deep and passionate. He never wanted to let her go again.

After a while they pulled apart, he gently brushed a loose tendril of her hair back into place. She was so beautiful. She was his everything.

April took deep breaths to calm her racing heart. Looking at him, she said, "Drive the car."

Putting the car in Drive, Jackson was happy to oblige. He'd go to the ends of the earth with this woman.


	5. You Think We'd Be Better

_A Scene I Wish Would Happen_

* * *

It was late when Jackson got home. It had been a very long, very tiring, very stressful day. Even though the hospital had suffered severe damage at least Stephanie was OK. He wanted to take a shower and pass out but the rumbling in his stomach was more pressing.

Entering the kitchen, he turned on the light.

He cursed as April's purse fell to the floor causing some of the contents to spill out. As he bent down to pick up her purse and stuff her belongings back inside, his eyes caught sight of a slim white and purple box.

Realizing what the box was or rather what was inside it, Jackson was suddenly wide awake. He left the rest of April's stuff on the floor and went in search of the woman herself.

"April," he called as he began walking towards the bedrooms in the house.

He found her in the nursery, covering Harriet with blankets.

"What is this?" he asked, his voice full of accusation.

Turning around, she saw the box in his hand and gasped. "How'd you find out about that? Have you been digging through my purse?

"I accidentally knocked it over and this fell out. Do you really think you're pregnant? Why didn't you tell me?"

April ushered Jackson out of Harriet's room and closed the door. Walking into the living room and sitting down on the couch, she shrugged, "I don't know. I suspect that I might be, but I don't know."

"How do you not know?" Jackson asked, incredulously. "It's been two months since we slept together. You should have skipped a couple of periods by now."

"I'm breastfeeding. I haven't had a period since before I got pregnant with Harriet. I'm not on the pill right now and I didn't expect what happened in Montana to happen. Who knows? I might not even be pregnant. There was no point in telling you unless I found out for sure. I didn't want to worry you about nothing."

Jackson shook his head. He couldn't believe this was happening. Again. Their daughter was only eight months old.

Jackson handed her the box. "Take it now. No point in waiting any longer."

* * *

Jackson sat with April on the bathroom floor as they waited for the three minutes to be up. They didn't speak. They just sat. When the timer on April's phone went off, he reached up and grabbed the test before settling next to her again.

April bit her lip. "What's it say?"

Jackson turned over the stick. "It says Pregnant….We're going to have another baby."

"We are going to have another baby," April repeated.

All of a sudden Jackson started laughing. "What are the odds of you getting pregnant three times and not one single damn time has it been planned?"

April shook her head before joining in his laughter. "We're doctors. You'd think we'd better at using birth control."

"We are so bad at it it's not even funny," Jackson agreed.

Leaning his head back against the wall, he gazed at her. "What are we going to do, April? We can't just keep having kids like this. Do you think we should get back together?"

"No," April replied, vehemently shaking her head. "Not at all."

A little stung by what she said, he couldn't help but ask why.

"Why?" She sighed. "It's so obvious."

"Clearly it's not," he argued. "Because I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You and Maggie," she said.

"What about me and Maggie?"

"Come on, Jackson. I know you like her."

Jackson stared straight ahead at the painting above the toilet. April wasn't all wrong. He kinda liked Maggie. He wasn't in love with her. He wasn't even falling for her. He just liked her. Yeah, maybe they flirted at work. Maybe he'd thought about asking her out. But it wasn't serious. It wasn't like she was April.

In fact, he'd expected things to be different after he and April had returned from Montana. A few days after their return, he'd kissed her after breakfast and told her he wanted to talk to her. They'd both gotten paged shortly after but when they returned home she'd gone into her room like he hadn't said anything earlier that day. He took it as a sign that what happened in Montana stays in Montana. It was just a frolic for old times sake. He figured his chapter with April was closed so he was looking for new chapters to open. And so he'd been considering Maggie for that new chapter. But knowing that April was pregnant again…everything was different.

"It's not serious," he said.

April blinked disbelievingly. "It looked pretty serious to me. You had eyes only for her earlier today."

"April, you're pregnant. I'll end the flirtation with Maggie. It's no big deal."

Getting to her feet, April said, "We're divorced, Jackson. Me being pregnant doesn't change the fact that you have the right to date whoever you want."

Jackson got to his feet too. "So we're just going to have another kid without being together?" he asked incredulously.

"Yep," April nodded before she headed out the bathroom door.


	6. Hold You in My Arms

**Scene that I Can Watch Over and Over Again**

* * *

Jackson rocked his newborn daughter in his arms as he waited for her mother to wake up. Today had been a hell of a day. He hadn't been this scared since… No, he'd never been this scared before. But everything was OK. April was OK. Their daughter was OK.

Jackson nuzzled his daughter with his nose. She blinked at him and opened and closed her tiny rosebud mouth. It was crazy how she was just a few hours old and she was already his world. He just wished April would wake up soon. He couldn't wait to show her their beautiful daughter.

Minutes ticked by as he continued to rock his daughter. Eventually, April started to rouse. Her eyes opened and she saw him and smiled.

"Hey," he said. "Want to see your daughter?"

Shaking her head emphatically, she tried to sit up but winced with the pain of exertion.

"April, we'll come to you. Lie back. You just had surgery. Don't strain yourself."

"You're right," she replied, her smile strained this time as she settled back against the pillows.

Jackson got up and gently placed their daughter in her arms. He stayed close just in case she needed help. April smiled up at him. "Thank you," she mouthed.

As April kissed their baby girl on the forehead, he said, "You were very brave today."

"I had to be," April said, smiling adoringly at the baby. "I had to do it for her. She was worth it though. She's so perfect. Look at her. I could just eat her up."

Jackson reached for April's hand, lightly caressing it. "Thank you for what you did, but you better not scare me like that again."


	7. Pre-Med Society

_Free Choice - College AU_

* * *

April hummed as she straightened the pillows on the couch. All that was left on her mental to do list was to make some lemonade and set out some snacks on the kitchen counter.

"Got plans?" her roommate, Reed, asked. Reed was a sophomore just like her. They'd been paired with two other pre-med students in their four bedroom campus apartment. Out of her three roommates, Reed was the one she was the closest with. They'd clicked last year at freshman orientation and had been good friends ever since.

"Not really," April replied as she made her way to the tiny kitchen the four girls shared. Taking out the fruit salad she'd made earlier that day, she said, "Jackson's just coming over to study for the Organic Chem test we have later this week."

Reed nodded. "So your boyfriend's coming over. Got it. I'll get out of your guys's hair."

April picked up a grape from the bowl and threw it at her friend. "Shut up! He's not my boyfriend and you know it."

"But you want him to be."

"I do not! We're just close because we've been friends for so long. Since Kindergarten. That's a long time. It's kind of like we're brother and sister."

Reed snorted. "You don't look at him like he's your brother. You look at him like he's a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Like you could gobble him up in one sitting."

As April began to mash avocados for the guacamole, she tried her best to ignore Reed. She didn't know why her friend always brought up this topic, but she wished she would stop.

"Why won't you give him a chance? You clearly care for each other. I think you guys would make a great couple."

"I think his girlfriend would think otherwise."

Reed hoisted herself on top of the counter and watched as April prepared the rest of the food for her and Jackson's study party. "He's not really that into her. I think it's all about the sex with them."

April scrunched up her face. She didn't want to think about that.

"I know you think you and Jackson are oh, so platonic, but I've observed you guys over the past year. I think if you made a move he wouldn't be opposed to it. In fact, I think he kind of wants to make a move himself but is too worried about what you might do."

April poured the gummy worms she knew Jackson loved so much in a bowl. Trying to change the subject, she said, "You know that guy Alex?"

Reed made a face. "Yeah, what about him?"

"He asked me out after class yesterday. I think I'm gonna say yes. He's kind of cute."

"April, you don't want to do that. He is SO not your type. I know you're going to school to become a doctor but I know you're also looking to get your M-R-S degree as well while you're here. The only thing you're gonna get from Alex is an STD. Don't do it, girl. It's not worth it."

April shrugged. "One date couldn't hurt. Maybe he's not as bad as everyone says."

Reed rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

Hearing a knock on the door, April said, "That's Jackson. Are you sure you don't want to study with us?"

"Positive," Reed said, hopping off the counter. "The awkward sexual tension between you two is too uncomfortable to watch. I'll be in my room."

Reed laughed as a carrot sailed past her ear.

Exasperated and more than a little flustered, April walked over to the door to let Jackson in. "Hey," she said.

"Hey," he said back. Looking at her slightly reddened complexion, he asked, "Are you OK? You look a bit…bothered?"

April shook her head and waved it off. "It's nothing. Reed being Reed."

Jackson grinned lopsidedly. "I still can't understand how you two became friends. You're the girl next door and she's…well, the opposite of that."

"She's been a good friend to me and I won't have you talking bad about her," April warned with a little bit of finger wagging.

"OK. OK," he said, putting his hands up. "Where are the snacks? I'm starving."

"How do you know I made any?"

"You're April. You always have snacks." Walking past her into the kitchen, he grabbed a plate and loaded it with chips and guacamole, pizza rolls, and gummy worms.

"That is not study food," April lectured. "Fruits, veggies, and lean proteins are best for optimal studying." Grabbing his plate, she added carrots and hummus, fruit salad, and some almonds to it before handing it back to him.

"OK, bossy pants," Jackson said, before shoving a pizza roll into his mouth.

April exhaled loudly, a little annoyed by Jackson's behavior. Making a plate of her own of fruits and veggies, she joined him on the couch. "Let's start with Chapter 2," she said, grabbing her textbook.

* * *

"What is the simplest alkane?" April asked.

"Methane."

"You've got them all right so far! Now, you quiz me," she said.

As Jackson was about to ask her her first question, the door to her apartment opened and another roommate of hers walked in.

"Hi, Cristina!" April said cheerily. "We're studying for the Organic Chem test this week. Want to join us? I made snacks."

"I already know all the material. The test should be a breeze."

Cristina walked into the kitchen and took three whole chickens out of her grocery bag.

"Are you making us dinner tonight?" Jackson asked.

"No, but I'm sure your wife will if you ask her. No, while you two are busy reviewing 10th grade science I'm going to work on surgical skills." Taking a butcher knife, she chopped each chicken in half. "These chickens did not die in vain. I'm going to use them to practice my stitches."

Jackson and April watched for a few minutes as Cristina began to sew to halves of a chicken back together.

Leaning over, Jackson whispered, "We should start doing that."

"I know!" April whispered back. "But we really should get back to studying. I want to make sure I know all of this from A to Z."

After a few minutes of quizzing, the sound of Cristina's singing reached their ears. April recognized it as some Madonna song. Normally, she wouldn't mind it, but she was trying to focus.

Noticing her distress, Jackson said, "Hey Cristina, the singing's a little distracting. We'd appreciate if you'd stop."

"I'm sorry that my singing is bothering Mrs. Avery, but it helps me concentrate."

Cristina being her usual self continued to sing. April closed her book. "I can't focus in here."

"We could go to my place," Jackson suggested.

April crinkled her nose. "Ew, gross. No. You and your roommates don't know how to pick up after yourselves."

"That's not necessarily true. Owen always washes the dishes on Mondays and I unclogged the toilet just yesterday."

"I'm not going over there. Let's just go in my room. At least it'll be quieter there."

* * *

April plopped on her bed. "Why is she always like that? I try to be so nice to her and it's like she doesn't even care."

Jackson joined her on the bed. "Don't let her get to you. Just get through this year and if you want, next year we can get an apartment off campus together. It'll be nice to finally eat properly. Man can not eat on Ramen and sub sandwiches alone."

"So we'd live together so I could be your servant?" she asked. "What would be in it for me?"

"First of all, my stellar company. Also, you wouldn't have to live with strangers. And my family would pay for it so you could live there for free."

Shaking her head, April said, "If we were to live together, I'd pay my share. Besides, I wouldn't want to live with you because your terrible girlfriend would be there all the time. I much prefer Cristina over her."

"She's not that bad," Jackson half-heartedly protested.

April shot him some side eye. "Let's just get back to studying," she said.

* * *

An hour later, Jackson stood up and stretched. "Hey, you still have any of that mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer? I could use a break."

"You're going to have to slow down on those sweets," April teased in a mock warning tone. "You're starting to get a little pudgy."

"Are you fat shaming me right now?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm just saying you could spend a little less time snackity-snacking and a little more time jogging."

"I am not getting pudgy. Take it back," Jackson growled, approaching her slowly, threateningly.

"I was raised not to tell lies."

His hands at her waist Jackson began to tickle April. "Take it back. Take it back!"

Being extremely ticklish, April couldn't help but laugh. Her body fell backwards as her arms and legs flailed about. One knee caught Jackson square in the stomach. He oofed in pain. Grabbing her wrists, he pinned her down on the bed. "You are out of control," he said as he continued to hold her down. "Now, tell me I'm not fat."

April shook her head. "Unh-unh."

Jackson stretched her arms above her head and engulfed her wrists in one hand. He used his other hand to tickle her armpits mercilessly.

"Tell me I'm not fat."

"You're not fat! You're not fat!" she gasped.

Smirking, Jackson let go of her wrists but still hovered over her. April stopped laughing and stared into his eyes, his beautiful blue-green eyes. This close she could see the light smattering of freckles across his cheekbones and nose. Her eyes journeyed down to his mouth and in particular his full bottom lip. His breathing had slowed and his gaze upon her was intense. She felt like his focus was zeroed in on her lips.

As his face lowered towards hers, April remembered where she was and who she was with. "I think we've had enough studying for today," she laughed shakily.

Jackson got off the bed and nodded. "You're right. I should go. I think we'll both do a good job on the test. I'll see you later."

"Yeah," April replied a bit breathlessly for she was still trying to recover from the moment they'd just had. "See you around."

After Jackson closed the door, April flopped back down on her bed. What in the world had just happened? Did she almost just kiss her best friend?


End file.
